Getting Emotional About Chairs

The first thing I noticed when I walked into this doctor’s office were the chairs. It is not unusual for me to focus on chairs when I enter a room. A quick scan tells me where or how I will be waiting to see my doctor. What was unusual was the sense of relief that spread from my chest throughout my body as I realized that these chairs were different. They were wide. Not just one or two, every single chair in that waiting room was made for a large person to sit comfortably in. I could sit in any chair I wanted in that large waiting area without thinking about whether the chair arms were going to dig into my sides and hurt me. To realize this was freeing. It was like exhaling after holding in a breath I didn’t even know I was holding in. I couldn’t help but smile. I immediately felt welcome. The person who designed this space had the comfort of people like me in mind when they drew plans. This space was made for me. I felt validated and confident. I’m going to be real honest here and admit that there were tears in my eyes. Tears of joy.

Most spaces are not made for people like me to exist in or be comfortable in. I remembered all those times I had to endure pain trying to squeeze myself into a desk meant for a person much smaller than me, turning sideways when making my way down the aisle on the bus, being turned away after waiting in line because I couldn’t fit in roller coaster seats, enduring the stares and the discomfort of being seated on an airplane, not fitting into car seatbelts. Eventually I stopped trying. I stood up in auditoriums during presentations, and stopped going to amusement parks altogether. When people asked why I would just tell them I preferred standing. But in that doctor’s office, I didn’t have to worry about any of that. I could spread out and stretch my legs. I could take up as much space as I needed to without consequences for my body being bigger. It’s such a simple thing, being able to sit in comfort. It’s a shame that this simple thing is denied to people every day just because of their body size.

If at this point you are thinking, “Well, why don’t you just lose weight then?”, I’m going to need you to educate yourself before making a comment. I don’t have time to explain to you how complex a disease like obesity is and how mismanaged it is even by people who have medical degrees. Check your thin privilege.

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I’m not talking about how difficult it is to find fashionable and affordable plus size clothes or the fact that even the stores that do sell these items place them in the back of the store or only sell them online (I’m looking at you Old Navy). I’m not talking about the horrible things people have said to me or yelled at me from a moving car. I’m not even talking about how comedians make money by fat shaming themselves or how fat jokes on sitcoms are somehow still acceptable (that’s a whole other blog post). I’m talking about chairs, the essential items we need to work, relax, and function, many of which are not useable by a growing percentage of the population. I’m speaking mostly of chairs in public or business spaces. By not including people of larger body sizes when constructing and designing spaces, it sends the message that we are not important and not welcome. It makes us feel guilty for daring to exist in a space that is too small for us. People shouldn’t feel ashamed of who they are just because of their body shape or size. To be fair, there are a lot of people out there who find larger bodies disgusting and believe that we shouldn’t exist. I don’t have time for those people. I’m used to my presence as a plus size woman of color making people uncomfortable and I’m over it.

I’m here. I deserve to be in whatever space I want or need to occupy. If it costs me some pain and bruising, okay, but it would much nicer if it didn’t and I could #slay in comfort. #byefelicia

Beck

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My Rogue One Obsession is Getting Out of Hand

I have never been a huge Star Wars fan. That was before Rogue One came out and I fell in love with all of the Star Wars things. I thought I would get over it after a few months, but here we are in July and I still cannot even with how good this movie is. Yes, this is my current desktop wallpaper and cell phone lock screen. Shut up.

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After watching Rouge One yet again (this time at an outdoor screening with the NC Museum of Art), I am still obsessed with how much Cassian is in love with Jyn. In every situation she is his focus. It starts early in the journey with his desire to save her and keep her safe in Jedha and Eadu. After Galen’s location is discovered, Jyn has no value for the Rebellion. He would have been perfectly justified in leaving her behind in Jedha or Eadu, but he insists on going back for her in both dire situations. Maybe he fooled himself into thinking it was some sort of code not to leave a soldier behind, but he clearly cares for her.

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He disobeyed orders to assassinate Galen, not because he saw Galen being beaten by Director Krennic, but because of what Jyn told him. It was partly his consideration for her feelings that he disobeyed orders. He even called for the Rebel fleet to not attack the base because Jyn was on the platform. Again, not sure anyone at headquarters would have cared if she died there, but he did. As far as I know, he didn’t have orders to bring her back alive or even at all. He wanted to.

And OMG the fight they had in the stolen Imperial ship after Eadu was so full of tension. You can tell they had a lot more they wanted to say to each other. The whole scene reminded me of the first proposal scene from Pride and Prejudice. #dying

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Then when they finally got to Scarif, his whole mission was to support Jyn and her mission. Even when Jyn finally yanks the Death Star plans free of the storage facility and is thrown off balance he yells “You okay?!” He reaches for her, not the plans. She doesn’t respond. She doesn’t care about herself. She’s only focused on her mission.

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When Cassian is shot and falls, getting injured on the way down, Jyn hesitates and looks back at him. I believe she wanted to go to him but she remembers his words a few moments before: “Keep going!” A lot of people wondered at why she didn’t look more upset that he fell. They are saying that she didn’t love him because of this, but I think she was just focused on her mission. I think she knew Cassian would have wanted her to go on without him so she did. The fact that she’s in love with him is clear when he arrives on the platform and shoots Krennic. She transmits the plans and then basically falls into his arms. She doesn’t even notice Krennic until she realizes that Cassian’s gun is still pointed at him.

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Everything after that is basically porn because they are having eye sex the entire ride down that elevator and it’s awesome. What I love about Cassian the most is that even when he knows they will die together and they only have a few moments left, he chooses to affirm Jyn instead of talking about himself or his feelings. Honestly, I don’t think there was a more loving act he could have done in that moment. The look in her eyes is clearly more than gratitude. It is also respect, admiration, and love.

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People like to try and get a rise out of me by reminding me that Cassian and Jyn both die and don’t get a happy ending. They don’t live. They don’t get to really know each other in a Biblical sense or otherwise. But I don’t think it matters. Just because they don’t kiss or have babies doesn’t mean they were somehow unfulfilled or not a real couple. In the moment they held each other they loved each other perfectly. They were smiling and happy. That moment can never be erased. That moment in space and time will always be there, so in that sense their love will last forever. Who cares if it didn’t last long? It was real. For me that means they did get a happy ending.

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And don’t even get me started on the love between Chirrut and Baze or the adorable cinnamon roll that is Boodhi Rook or the perfect sassiness of K2-SO. Ugh. I caught all the feelings.
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Find a guy who looks at you the way Cassian looks at Jyn before a suicide mission.

Someone take the internet away from me before I lose interest in life.

Beck

Now Showing: Technical Difficulties

It is my unfortunate privilege to announce that tonight was the first time I have ever gone to the theatre and left without seeing a movie. There was entertainment to be sure, but no movie to be watched.

I’m visiting my Mom in Raleigh this weekend to help her get some decorating done in the house. We spent two hours at Ross (my favorite store), then a couple more hours rearranging decorative elephants on the mantelpiece and hanging (then rehanging) several pieces of wall art.

We thought we were treating ourselves to a well deserved dinner at Twisted Fork and a movie tonight. I was so excited to see Kong: Skull Island. Usually, I don’t go for those kind of movies, (you know, the weak storyline all violent action kind), but I was eager to see this film for two reasons. First, and it really should go without saying, Tom Hiddleston is H-O-T hawt and is an excellent actor. Second, I enjoyed the Kong: Skull Island thrill ride at Universal Studios when I was there over Christmas and was interested in how the film compared to what was seen in the ride. Sadly, my day was not made complete by seeing Hiddles all sweaty while running away from an impossibly large gorilla.

After waiting through the trailers, a quirky jazz theme began to play. The screen faded slowly into Michael Caine walking into a bank. Wait a minute. There’s no way a Kong movie starts with an old man going to the bank. Moviegoers began to leave the theatre as I realized that this is not another trailer. We have just started watching Going in Style. My Mom, bless her soul, had no idea this was not Kong. She was happily watching Michael Caine get caught up in a bank heist while whispering to me, “He’s a legend.”

I left the theatre and joined a throng of people in the hall. A teenager nearby told me someone had already gone to tell staff about the mishap. I went back inside to wait for the theatre to correct their mistake.

This is not the first time something like this has happened to me. A while ago, my friend and I went to a rescreening of The Lord of the Rings in theaters in preparation for The Hobbit movie, which was soon to be released (RIP Hobbit book), when they started the movie 15 minutes into The Two Towers. It was weird, but they fixed their mistake right away and we all had a good laugh.

Ten minutes after our screen going blank, a staff member came in to tell us that if we wanted to watch the movie, we’d have to move to another theatre room. At that point, it was almost an hour after our original show time and my Mom and I were annoyed and tired. But, we took the trip to the other side of the building to a new theatre room where we were promised no additional commercials or trailers.

Finally, the movie started. Many people  had given up and gone home or chosen another film. We were determined. We were the faithful. I was going to see Tom Hiddleston if I had to stay up past midnight (a true sacrifice) in this terribly old, broken down cinema. Five minutes into the film with no Tom in sight, my Mom turned to me and said she’s already seen this movie and wants to go home. She forgot she already saw it with Rachel when she visited her in Boston recently…

So, I wasted an hour of my life, but at least I got a few free movie passes from the whole thing. #mylifeisbeck

I still haven’t seen Kong: Skull Island. Wait for me, Tom.

Beck

 

That One Time I Passed Out

I have never passed out before yesterday. The only time I ever got close to passing out was when I stabbed my left palm last summer while cutting an avocado with an unreasonably sharp knife. At the sight of so much blood, I got dizzy and lightheaded. I started sweating and hyperventilating. I sat in a chair with my head between my legs while putting pressure on my hand to stop the bleeding. But I willed myself to not pass out and I didn’t. I did end up having to get two stitches and couldn’t use my hand properly for a week or so. It was awful.

Fast forward to yesterday, I am at the lab giving blood shortly after 8am. I had just eaten breakfast and was feeling fine. The process took longer than usual because the nurse decided to use a butterfly needle.  Apparently, my veins require special treatment. I started feeling nauseated as I watched the blood fill the little tubes. My face became sweaty and my mind was swimming. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. It felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. The nurse said she needed to go ask the doctor something, and I decided to lean back in the uncomfortable adult high chair.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the midst of what I thought was a dream. I opened my eyes expecting to see my bedroom, but I saw a kitschy painting of a dog in a red hat hanging on the wall. My vision was blurry and I was so confused and scared. I had slumped down in the chair and was still hyperventilating. A moment later, the nurse walked back in and started talking to me. Then I did what any normal 25 year old would do after their first involuntary loss of consciousness – I started crying. The nurse asked me repeatedly what had happened while I summoned the strength and the breath to tell her I passed out. She called for another nurse to bring water and crackers. Then it happened. I looked down and saw a small puddle on the floor. The second nurse walked in and said, “I think she urinated herself.” The first replied saying, “Why does today feel like a Monday?”

Yup. That happened. Because why wouldn’t it happen to me?

The nurses were really helpful. They gave me water and led me into another room to rest. I left a message for my boss and then tried to process what had just happened. I think I was too overwhelmed to feel ashamed about the wetting myself part. No one chooses to be incontinent. After a few minutes, I went to the bathroom to wipe off the mascara that had made a lovely trail down my cheek. They let me leave through the back door. Luckily, I had a towel I could sit on during the short drive home. I showered, did laundry, ate a banana and slept for two hours.

I was understandably tired for the remainder of the day, which consisted of me taking my service club members who I advise to the Cheesecake Factory and bowling for our End of the Year Celebration. It was actually not a bad day, and I can’t help but laugh now when I think about it.

Sorry for turning your Friday into a Monday, LabCorp nurses, but #mylifeisbeck. It’s kind of what I do.

Beck

A New Direction for Weight Loss

I’ve been pursuing bariatric surgery as a solution to my chronic obesity for a few months now. I just have a couple more appointments left before I can schedule a date with my surgeon. I’m hopeful I can have the surgery before the end of June.

This is something that I have been thinking about in one way or another since 2012 when I first started talking with friends and relatives about it. The tipping point for me was going to Harry Potter World last Christmas and not being able to fit in any of the seats for the rides. (I just want to Escape from Gringotts with Harry!) Besides this, my aunt has had the surgery and she has seen excellent weight loss results. I decided that I would not let another year go by without taking serious action for my future health. I am 25 years old; I should not be worrying about chronic co-morbidities that accompany obesity. I should be traveling the world, climbing mountains, and meeting my soulmate (my earthly one anyway). When I was a child, I could reasonably expect other people to be responsible for me. Now, 7 years into my adult life and finally having a salary job and benefits, there’s really no excuse for me not to take ownership of my health and my body.

My family, after an initial period of concern, and friends have been overwhelmingly supportive and are happy for me. I am incredibly optimistic (as usual). I believe in my ability to follow the pre and post-op rules (like being on a liquid diet for 4 weeks). Whole 30 has prepared me for some of the eating and lifestyle changes that will occur. In fact, I’m doing my fourth Whole 30 right now. #day24

What really concerns me is the emotional aspect of all of this. The trauma I experienced throughout my childhood has had a serious effect on my relationship with food. While I am capable of not acting on those impulses, the temptation will always be there as long as I have these underlying issues. I worry that addressing my body and eating habits alone will not be enough for long-term weight loss success. I need mental and spiritual healing as well. Besides the fact that for the first six months at least I will only be able to eat a quarter cup of food or liquid at a time, the social and emotional aspects of food and eating remain. Bariatric surgery is not a brain surgery.

To this end, I’ve been seeing a therapist regularly since March who has helped me reprocess some of my trauma through a therapy called EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). It’s evidence based and it works, for me at least. We started with my earliest traumatic memories and well, it’s the end of April and we’re still working on elementary school memories if that’s any indication how much work I still have to do. Even if we eventually address those traumatic memories associated with emotional eating, weight gain, and everything that goes along with it like low self-esteem and emotional eating, I will most likely struggle with for this for the rest of my life.

Anyone who thinks that bariatric surgery is the easy option for weight loss should educate themselves on the process. The preparation has been extensive and comprehensive. I’ve had to make multiple appointments with nutritionists, behavioral therapists, surgeons, primary care doctors, and hospitals. I’ve attended seminars, support groups, and read books and research about outcomes and various other factors related to weight loss. I’ve spent hours on the phone with my insurance company and the hospitals gathering information about the cost of surgery and my ability to pay. It has been a sacrifice of time and money and has taken mental and physical tolls. All of this happens before surgery. The real work begins after surgery with a 6 week recovery.

It’s a 100% lifestyle change. It is not easy, but it is worth it. And I am ready because:

  • Bariatric surgery is the single most effective treatment for morbid obesity available today.
  • Diet and exercise alone is more likely to fail than to work. The success rate of long-term weight loss maintenance with lifestyle changes ranges from 2-20% (Wing & Phelan, 2005). This failure rate increases to 95%-98% as the starting weight increases for morbidly obese people (whose BMI is over 40).
  • Bariatric surgery, especially the one I’m getting, has a 95% success rate. Success is defined as keeping off at least 50% of excess weight. According to a recent report, five years after surgery patients had maintained a weight loss of 60% of their excess weight.

Ultimately, I do not want to just loose weight, I want healing in every way – physical, mental and spiritual. Bariatric surgery is not an easy solution or a cop out for lifestyle changes, it is a tool that I am using to help me in my journey towards healing.

 All of this is happening at the same time that I am quitting my job at CPCC, planning a move to Raleigh, starting a new job, and starting graduate school at NC State (yes, I finally got in!). It’s all a lot to think about, to plan for, and to be excited about. There’a also a lot of uncertainty and change coming. I feel bittersweet about moving away and quitting my job and overwhelmed with the coming changes, but I can do it. I know I can because I want this so much. Those are real results and I’m coming to get mine.

Beck