Oh Fanny

“I can never be important to anyone.”
“What is to prevent you?”
“Everything. My situation, my foolishness and awkwardness.”

Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

The Love Story that Never Was

“Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. It is something to think of.” – Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

I feel cursed because I always have to be “in-like” with someone. When I disappear into my dream world of romantic possibilities, I have to have someone to imagine living in my cottage in the country with besides my cat. For a long time, this person was that guy from my Astronomy class my freshman year. Let’s call him Ron. This crush was based on a solid foundation of absolutely nothing besides good looks and a friendly countenance. I knew very few things about him and I can count the number of times I’ve spoken to him on one hand. I knew he was smart, funny, interested in other cultures, Christian, and had a weird laugh (apparently, that’s all I needed to know). I also knew how to spot him from across the courtyard and listen for his voice as I walked around campus. Let’s not get into the humiliating details of the cyber/real life stalking, I already sound pathetic. I hardcore crushed on him for three years. Okay, now for the awkward ending to this nonexistent love story.

Do you ever play out a conversation in your head and the other person won’t stay on script? To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing or where I wanted the conversation to go. It was an ill-planned decision. I’m really bad at flirting and talking to guys in general. I thought I would be better at this through text messaging. I’m not. On one of the biggest party nights of the year, I got a little buzzed and decided to “accidentally” text my crush. (How I got his number is irrelevant.) The following messages were sent (slightly modified).

Me: Are you going out tonight?
Ron: Hey who is this? Sorry
Me: Oh sorry. Wrong number. Wait who is this?
Ron: I asked you first.
Me: Is this Ron?
Ron: Yea it’s Ron. Who are you!?! This isn’t fair.
Me: Guess : )
Ron: Dr. D’s mom? Well whoever you are yes I am going out.
Me: Okay I’ll see you at — then. : )
Ron: I’m only going to — if you tell me who you are.
Me: Not Dr. D’s Mom ; ) [I should not have used a winky face, it was going so well.]
Ron: Becky H? [Darn you Facebook! Why do you make our numbers searchable?]
Me: Guilty. : )
Ron: How did you get my number?
Me: Wait. Which Ron is this? [Lame attempt to save face.]

Ronald proceeded to delete me as a Facebook friend the next day. In an attempt to apologize for drunk texting him, I messaged him on FB and sent, “Hey, I think I might have texted you last night? My bad, I meant to text another Ron…” to which he replied “All good”. Well reader, the spell is broken and I destroyed my chance that never existed. I really hope I never see him again.
Why does drunk texting always work in the movies and not in real life? Everything I know is a lie! This was one of the most embarrassing things to ever happen to me. So, why am I sharing it with the world? Because it was a powerful learning experience. NEVER text a crush who has not given you their number, especially if you’re drunk. They will find out who you are, and chances are it will not end up “all good”.

You’ve been warned.


Warning Signs

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.” – Jane Austen

Earlier I said that I sort of made a friend in my class and I wasn’t happy about it. Let me tell you why.

At the end of class the other day, I knocked my water bottle over…again. Luckily, this time it was properly secured. The only people in the room were me, my friend, and a classmate I had never spoken to before (which is everyone really). “I don’t know why I’m so clumsy!” I said picking the bottle back up. He says, “I share that clumsiness with you. My friend calls me Murphy’s Law because everything that can go wrong, does go wrong when I’m involved.” To which I replied, “Me too. It would happen to me when the entire class is watching too.” And then he said, “You pulled it off well though.” By this time, I’m pretty sure he wants me (jk!), but all I say is, “I have learned to play it off and embrace it because it happens so often.” Then I flashed him a dazzling smile before leaving the room with my friend. Just kidding, I probably looked constipated because my brain is incapable of processing interaction with the male species. We briefly bonded, so what? It’s not like we’re best friends now. “So what!?” my brain responds, “He wants to marry you!” SMH brain. SMH. Just because he’s slightly attractive and said a total of two sentences to you, doesn’t mean he wants to marry you. Somehow, that doesn’t stop me from instantly liking him.

Sometimes I wish guys wouldn’t be so nice to me. I tend to overreact when they do something nice or are just plain friendly. One time, a guy smiled at me in my Astronomy class my freshman year and I stalked him for three years around campus (This didn’t end well). People say they don’t know what love is, or they don’t know what it feels like to fall in love, but I fall in love with everyone every day. If guys weren’t nice to me, I wouldn’t want them to like me. It’s all their fault. But really, I think I’m just a little bit crazy. I’ve watched too many romantic comedies and read too much Jane Austen. (Where are you, Mr. Darcy?!) So, I’m not happy about this sort-of-friend I’ve made because it puts me in danger of developing a crush on this dude. I’ve already learned that he is a universal donor and donates blood and plasma to save babies, SAVE BABIES. The warning signs are already there.